Thursday, August 28, 2008

Pity Party


It was bound to come around again. The weight of the decisions I have faced and still face, the physical toll of treatment, the stress of undergoing tests and waiting for results, and the prognosis, the sheer magnitude of the odds against surviving, have culminated in one crummy week. I have not been very communicative this week for a reason. I am not terribly comfortable bemoaning my fate to others, as I know there is always someone else worse off than me. I have also found that it can be awkward for those who care to comfort someone who is simply inconsolable. I know myself well enough to know that I will rally, but this whole thing just plain sucks. It really does. I am tired of feeling and being sick and exhausted. Plus, it doesn't help that but for this abysmal inconvenience, today I would have been headed for Tucson and my much-adored Canyon Ranch.

The week was not a total loss, however, as I managed to make it to yoga and water aerobics classes. And the weekend holds some rays of hope. John, Brent, and I are planning to go Asheville to pick up Brent's new kayak, a Fluid Flirt. If I am feeling up to it, I will paddle the Tuckesiegee River on Monday. Paddling would probably do more to lift my spirits than just about anything.

BTW, my deepest apologies to water aerobics fans, but that always seemed to me either the exercise of choice for people who can't do anything else, or the last stop in exercise land before abandoning exercise altogether. Rather than getting you into shape, it's where the infirm go to try to keep from getting less infirm. Still, it was fun. For someone who can't do anything else right now.

PS The picture accompanying this post is definitely not me, nor anyone else I know. It's just a cool picture of a Fluid kayak.

6 comments:

Lenore & Scott said...

Hi Elyse,
I understand your reluctance to post. Sometimes, I want to write and be ever-so-witty, but am not confident that a few written words can be consoling. Yes, there are always others worse off than us, but it's all relative and this is about YOU. It's OK to have a pity party, feel down and give in. But this too shall pass and you will overcome this emotional setback and gear up for the next class VI rapid. I never made it to Canyon Ranch with you but I believe we will share that joy. I think its pretty safe to speak for my fellow posters when I say that "hearing" from you is so important and keeps us connected in a small but vital way. I hope your weekend does include lots of smile, laughs and paddling.
Sending hugs to you, John and Brent.

sandplay said...

Hi Elyse,
Thanks for writing and for sharing both how much this sucks and that you see that your rally back is in you and coming. Like the picture you posted of that incredible river plunge...it's an intense part of the river that’s hard not to yell out when on it. I've always thought of you as strongest and happiest by the water front and hope you are up to paddling on Monday.
The Fluid flirt looks like a great load of fun. Smiles to Brent and the proud parents that get to watch him dance with the water. Warm thoughts, love and light to you and your gang,
D & D

Ann said...

Elyse,
In the best of times, we all have good days and bad days, so know that you are certainly entitled to your share of these. That is what is so good about this blog...from your end, it gives you a chance to vent and let it out, again, for both the good and bad emotions you are going through. Most of us have no real idea what you are experiencing, we just empathize deeply with you and want only the best for you, John, and Brent. Don't beat up on yourself...as has been said numerous times, you are the most resilient, amazing person I know, and have proven to be an incredible fighter with an even more incredible attitude and strong will. I would never want to cross you my dear. Keep your chin up and you won't fall, even if you stumble.
with love,
Ann

Forrest said...

Hey Elyse,

Sorry to hear your spirits are down this week. I can only imagine. Hopefully you'll regroup and continue on, which I'm sure you will. Peaks and valleys. What I want to know now is that you in the kayak going over the falls in that pic? Amazing! Have a good Labor Day weekend.

Betsy said...

Elyse, what your body and mind are coping with is a tremendous challenge and one can only expect it to drag you down, but hang in there, it will pass with each decision that is made and each procedure that is completed. You will begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel. As a fellow lung cancer fighter, should you want to vent when visiting those dark places, feel free to call me. I have been there many times and come out as you will. Don't focus on prognosis that are based on statistics. You have your own set of unique circumstances and your goal is for a cure for yourself and your set of circumstances. Info about prognosis is not healthy and fairly unreliable. Not to mention that miracles abound. I am thinking of you often since our phone conversation and believe you will come through this. Have a restful weekend.

Chris Miller said...

Asheville: the Paris of the South.
See Travel-by-GPS